Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
