Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
3 2 1 whiskey
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
