That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
