genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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