I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird