"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.