I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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