Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
