She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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