he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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