If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
