i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My bed smells like the plague
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
