Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
