You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
