you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
