So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
