so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
