you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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