Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
