I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
