M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
