I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
