While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
