I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
