Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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