My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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