Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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