I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
