Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
