the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Are we still banned from the library?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
