nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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