I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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