It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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