Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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