You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
