cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
