Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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