Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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