Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
