I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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