Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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