Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
