And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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