just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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