dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
What changed your mind?
Being sober
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
