im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
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Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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