I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
