My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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