My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
