you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
