If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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