Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
