good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
