ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
