This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it's like iHOP with fire
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
