you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
