Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
